I’ve done quite a bit of public speaking about Ann’s illness and death over the last two years.
In fact, I was giving a talk out of town when Ann got sick and my parents had to take her to the emergency room. It was during this hospitalization we learned Ann’s cancer had invaded the wall of her stomach. She died two weeks later.
People often ask me how I’m able to keep my composure when I talk about Ann. I have to find a groove, get into it and stay in it, or I’ll get emotional and fall apart. This groove was carved into my being as a skill or trait or adaptation or coping mechanisim as I witnessed and shared in Ann’s suffering.
Someday I’ll write about this in detail, but now is not the time. Suffice it to say I suspect the death Ann endured and my family witnessed was similar to what happens on a battlefield. One of the last things Ann ever said was, “It’s not supposed to be this way.” Just as war is a perversion of the way it’s supposed to be, so is cancer. This stress — induced by trauma — nearly got the best of me several months after Ann’s diagnosis. I learned a hard lesson; You CAN take on someone’s pain, but it does nothing to alleviate the pain of the other. With the help of medicine and God, I got well and I suppose this accounted for the first etchings of my groove.
Ann had a similar experience. She called it detachment.
Although she put total trust in God and prayed for complete healing, she knew that inoperable pancreatic cancer is incurable and usually kills rather quickly. So she started detaching — or at least she tried — from the things of this world.
This is a paradox. Even as she detached, she grew closer to some things. We grew closer. She loved her life and missed it greatly when cancer took it away from her.
I tried to detach from her suffering, but came to know and love her in a new and profound way.
So it’s not about sparing oneself pain by withholding love. That would be cold and inhumane.
I guess this “groove” or “detachment” is a human response. I thank God it’s not the divine response.
God took on human flesh and identified with our suffering by suffering. That’s the real and only reason I’m able to stay in the groove.
Randy…What an insight…All of us have heard God will not give us anymore than what we can handle…But, we sometimes wonder if we can take anymore…To become stronger in any crisis situation is such a plus for us all…God Bless you, Erin, Meredith, and Aaron..Take joy in the extra time you all had with Ann…None of us want to see a loved one suffer, but, we want that loved one to be with us as long as possible…All of you are in my prayers…MaryAnn
Randy,
I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. That is one of the most profound concepts I’ve heard in a very long time. I’m still praying for you and the rest of the family. Thanks for always reminding me what’s really important in life.
Agape Love,
Kristen
Hi Randy and family. I have been following along on Ann’s blog for quite some time now. I came across this website when researching pancreatic cancer after an accquaintance was diagnosed with it. You and your family are as beautiful as Ann was, your love for each other and ability to bring to light the most important things in life is wonderful.
I came across this video and feel like you will be comforted by it. It is absolutely beautiful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmm-0-Rdxo8&feature=channel_page
It depicts the amazing paintings done by a young girl. I hope you enjoy it.
That’s pretty cool Amy. Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear about your friend.
Randy,
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am amazed at your gift for finding the words to describe life’s pain and challenges. You, Ann and your family have such a great story. I am sure you have considered writing a book and you should do so. What an inspiration it would be for so many.
O Come O Come Emmanuel. God is with you Randy. In the sorrow and despair of missing Ann this season God is with you. I read something today that so reminded me of
Ann and you: “…those who have suffered and still hope understand far more about God and life than those who have not. Maybe that is what hope is about : a way to live, not just to survive, but to live authentically amidst all the problems of life with a faith that continues to see possiblity when there is no present evidence of it, just because God is God. That is also the wonder of Advent.” Blessings to you and the family this Advent!
Mr. Moore,
I am trying to start a miles-long yard sale along highway 41 along with my grandchildren.
My husband died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 73 almost the same time as your anne. My brother died of it years ago. So I wondered if we might have a fund raiser for Gilda’s place in connection with the yard sale. It is only one weekend a year and hopefully this fall. We are starting to work hard on achievening that goal.
I would like to know if you are interested. jackie devoy-lovelace
Yes, Jackie, absolutely! You can contact me on Facebook or by e-mail, randy@wtvw.com or by calling the station at 812-424-7777. Sorry about loss. Thanks.
I have been trying to reconcile my husband’s sudden
death in May. He did not die of cancer, but the road has been long and lonesome. I just want you to know that your comments and your faith in God have helped me.