I have so many thoughts bouncing around, but I can’t pull them together. I came across something today that I had never seen.

It’s a profile Ann wrote for her college. To hear her “speak” brings her back to life in a way.

Everything good thing on earth is but a shadow of the real thing in heaven.

As such, this is a type of resurrection:

Stephens Profile
Class of 1978 & Friends of the Class

Name: Ann McClatchey Moore
Where are you now?
Metro area or region: Evansville, IN

Stephens Education and Beyond:
Stephens Degree and Major: BA -Radio, Television, Film
Subsequent education and training: Lots of professional development
Favorite Stephens activity: Ice Cream at the Collegian, Missouri Football games, Sailing on Stephens Lake, Sunning on the first warm day, Video projects for KWWC-TV,
Favorite Stephens residence: Pillsbury

Alpha Epsilon Rho Broadcasting Honorary 1977-1978 (seated) Julie McCallum, Laurie Tamm, Anne Ruttger (standing) Dr. George Whitehouse — Sponsor; Sue Brown, Donna Hibbitts, Julie Obderdorfer, Ann McClatchey, Sheila Dolan, Cherlyn Hampton, Janeen Bjork, Jan Shirrell, Laura Chamberlin, Joy Katzen, Brenda Bartlett
What are you doing now?

Occupation: Right now I am fighting pancreatic cancer and trying to get a Gilda’s Club started in Southern Indiana. Cancer forced me into retirement. I was working in economic development after 25 years as a television journalist.

Activities: President of the Gilda’s Club development committee, gardening, travel, reading, biking. I run a website: www.annmoore.org

What is your current household like?

Spouse, partner, significant other: Married to Randy. Randy is the anchor and managing editor of WTVW-TV, Fox 7. Randy and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Children, other residents, pets: Three kids: Erin is 28 and works for the Chicago Tribune in Chicago. She’s also in graduate school at DePaul University. Meredith is 22 and is set to graduate Summa Cum Laude (4.0) from the Honors College at Western Kentucky with degrees in Political Science and Broadcast Journalism. She is considering Law School. Andrew is 20 and left college during this, his sophomore year, to be with his mom as she battles cancer. He hopes to go back in the fall. Right now he’s working on the greens crew at Evansville Country Club. Ann just lost her beloved Shitzhu who was 17. We also have a beautiful long-haired cat named Charles Dugan (Doogie.)

What do you most like to do for fun these days?

I wake up feeling blessed each day for life. I work in youth ministry and am the Lay Leader of Aldersgate United Methodist Church. I am excited about getting out in my garden this year. We’ve had a place in the mountains of North Carolina for many, many years and love to hike, water water raft, climb mountains, and sit and enjoy God’s green earth. I love spending time with family and friends doing all kinds of stuff. I am currently taking guitar lessons…(again after about 35 years.)

If you were asked to give a short (1-2 hour) lecture or teach a full class on a topic of your choice at Stephens, what would you teach?

Short lecture: Living with Cancer, Living with Faith

A Stephens Digital Film major is going to make a film about you. What will the title of the film be?

Cancer is a Blessing

You have just been named “Woman of the Year.” What entity selected you?

PanCan (Pancreatic Cancer Network)

If you and a few classmates were going to meet somewhere for a three-day weekend, where would you like to meet, at what time of year, and what would you like to do?

We do this already…but my high school buddies…fall in the mountains of NC…this year though it was spring.

(High School buds Terri, Tim and Ann on vacation)

An alum is visiting your area. What events, places or activities would you recommend she see that would not be obvious to a visitor? What restaurant (with entrees <$20) should she select?

Evansville is the nation’s best kept secret. It is absolutely beautiful with awesome restaurants and things to see. House of Como is a real trip. Lots of people like “The Gerst Haus” for the atmosphere, cheap German Food and endless beer list. New Harmony is worth a visit for sure…it’s the site of two utopian experiments and a very lovely and spiritual place.

Among the activities in which you participated at Stephens (e.g. music, dance, theater, film, art, fashion, horseback riding, golf, creative writing, etc.), which ones have remained a major part of your life just for fun (i.e., other than as part of your career)?

I still dabble in art: watercolor and oil painting. I still love photography, film and doing video projects. I’m still considered a writer and blog at least weekly. (Editor’s note: Who knows why Ann was stricken with the disease but her high profile and background have made her an icon. A lift from one of her blogs appears at the end of this profile. JB)

What is your favorite sport or exercise activity as a participant and as a fan?
Participant: biking, hiking, kayaking,
Fan: basketball, and Colts football

You are on a panel to choose the “best” or “most interesting” items from the last few years – television programs, movies, films, plays, concerts, performances, art exhibits, CD’s, and books. Name your favorites.
TV: “The Office”, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, “Flight of the Conchords”
Books: Lisa Sampson books, “People of the Book”, “Pillars of the Earth”, Phillip Yancy and Walt Wangerin books, Phillip Gulley books,
Music: Leeland, Casting Crowns, David Crowder, Switchfoot, Third Day, U2, Caedmon’s Call
Film: Michael Clayton, Mrs. Pettigrew Lives for a Day, Ratatouille (my very fav. Film of 2007)

A certain noteworthy photograph of you (at an earlier age) has recently come to light. Please explain.

I spent the day with Peter Jennings at ABC and sat and the end of the desk while he did World News Tonight with Peter Jennings.

Describe a favorite entrée or dessert that would be served at a meal at your home with friends.

I would make my famous carrot cake. Randy would grill his famous burgers, I would have my famous potato casserole and at least one awesome salad on the side.

Members of your family want to buy you a surprise present. What should I tell them to get you?

Some comfortable outdoor furniture for near the garden

What favorite vacation have you taken in the past? What vacation would you like to take?

Our North Carolina vacations are very meaningful. Would love to spend a week in Key West, would love to go to Ireland. I would love to spend time in Israel.

Gossip, Lies and Videotape: Details about any of the above and whatever else has been going on in your life. Or take a moment to answer a question I didn’t ask.

Pancreatic cancer is the deadliest and least funded cancer. It is a new crusade of which I am now a spokesperson, although I sure didn’t plan to be one.

(Editor’s note: Here’s a link to the website Ann’s family dedicated to what they call “our dear mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend Ann Moore.” http://annmoore.org/ and what follows is a lift from one of her blogs. JB)

Note: The contents of this blog are for informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or substitute for professional care. For medical emergencies, dial 911!
Ann Moore’s blog on her pancreatic cancer
Posted Jul 22nd 2007 8:30AM by Patricia Mayville-Cox
Filed under: Pancreatic Cancer, Blogs
Ann Moore of Evansville, Indiana, a former television newscaster and the wife of FOX7 anchor Randy Moore, has started a new website to chronicle her experience with pancreatic cancer. Moore was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer at the age of 50 this past May, according to the Courier-Press.

From a recent post, Moore ponders that “It is hard not to ask why,”

It’s hard to do research because the information scares me. A three percent survival rate. Then there is the risk profile: 74 years old, male, smoker, overweight, fatty diet, diabetic. Well, that describes me, huh? The fact is, I don’t know why. And maybe it doesn’t matter. All I can do is look ahead.

Her husband writes about the website, which he calls a ‘labor of love’ from their daughter Erin:

Some people approach us easily. Others approach us with hesitation. And others — even though they care — just don’t know what to do or say. That’s okay. It is hard. This website allows people to interact at whatever degree they are comfortable. My prayer is that you’ll be strengthened by Ann’s strength.

The internet has its pros and cons, that is for sure, but I just love this quote by Mr. Moore. It is hard to know what to say to someone with cancer, or how to approach them, or what you can do to help. While creating a personal blog is not for everyone, websites like Ann’s and like those at CaringBridge.org, allow well wishers to send their thoughts and prayers in their own way and allow the recipients to receive them in their own way also.

I’m two years old. I was born on an Amish farm in Montgomery, Indiana on May 28, 2008. I almost didn’t get to be Ann’s dog.

Ann was a dog lover; you know, the kind of person who sees us dogs as people too. In January of 2007, Ann and Randy’s dog Mocha died. He was 16 years old. Ann cried and cried. Randy cried a little bit too, but he wanted to take a “dog break.” Ann reluctantly agreed, but when she got sick, her desire to have another dog grew very strong.

Ann always admired my breed, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, (and I’m not braggin’), but we are very expensive. When Ann found an ad in the paper where a breeder was liquidating his operation and selling the remaining dogs cheap, Randy agreed to take a look.

Randy and Ann drove up to my house in August of 2008. I was only 8 weeks old and when Ann saw the perfect crown on my head, she knew I was the one!

Randy tried to train me to sleep in my crate, but that didn’t last very long. I ended up sleeping with them — right where I belonged.

Ann took me for long, long walks, then shorter walks and finally she couldn’t take walks anymore. That’s when I snuggled in real close. They say I eased her pain, but I was just being me.

One day Randy took Ann to the hospital and she didn’t come home.

I miss Ann, but my tail just wags and wags when I think about this:

She now has a perfect crown too!

I have told Erin, Meredith and Andrew that Ann gave them all they need to be happy.

All this is easy for me to say. I still have my mother. And my father.In the 10 months since Ann died, each member of my family has had stuff enter their lives that sure would have been easier to get through had Ann been here.

People often compliment me on being both a father and a mother to my children. How I wish that was possible. I suppose I am a decent enough father, but I am a lousy mother. I am a decent enough problem solver, but I am a lousy listener. I only know this by comparison. I only know this because I’ve passed through our bedroom on the way to the bathroom and heard snippets of endless telephone conversations Ann had with our children. I’ve heard stories (which I cherish) of things that happened between Ann and our children of which I was a spectator at best. Yes, there are unique father-child moments too. And family moments. But I am convinced that only a mother can be a mother. What my children lost cannot be replaced. Yes, memories live. Yes, there is a spiritual connection that will sustain them. But I have no idea how to replicate here on this earth, here on this day, what Ann was able to be for them. I have no idea how she was able to make strawberry shortcake taste that damn good. Or a million other things.

The photo is of Erin during our Mothers Day visit to Ann’s grave. The bloom is from the Rhododendron Ann planted in our front yard. Happy Mothers Day. And much agape.

The kids and I went to New Bern, North Carolina for the memorial service on March 13.

It’s hard to believe they are both gone. I have vivid memories of Ann and Dean’s final father-daughter talks in our bedroom last June. He was having such a hard time accepting the approaching death of his baby girl. I think Ann helped him understand her firm conviction that, despite the pain of separation, death isn’t the end. The photo was taken on the front porch of the Bed and Breakfast were the family stayed. Ann’s sister, Katherine Malsbary, is to my left. Ann’s brother, Bruce, is in front of Katherine.

It says a lot about the depth of Ann’s character in the face of her own pain. The letter is from our dear friend Susan Seger.

“…Randy is aware of the story I am about to tell — but I’m not sure the kids are. The Lord used Ann in a mighty way ((during the illness of Susan’s mother))…the doctor informed me that my mom’s time on this earth was was coming to a close. I knew that Ann was praying for me during that time. On December 26 (2008)– we were told that Mom would probably not make it through the night. My brother and I wanted to be with Mom until the end — so we tried to make ourselves comfortable in straight back chairs. I was determined to stay awake — but during the wee hours of the 27th — I found it hard to stay awake. ‘Lord if only I had someone to talk to’…I tried playng games on my phone, reading, etc. — and then…the Lord brought Ann to mind.
I remembered that she had difficulty sleeping — and sometimes was awake during the early morning hours. I texted Ann — ‘Are you awake?’ — and quickly received her reply. For over the next hour — we texted back and forth –both inquiring how the other one was doing — and both trying to be supportive and encouraging. Ann got me through the time — when I was fighting sleep — and we talked until she grew tired — and was going to try and sleep. A little after 6 AM — my Mom took her final breath. Ann was there for me during a time when I needed her most. I will have to say that is one of my most treasured and cherished memories…

…Erin, Meredith and Andrew, I pray for you too — because I do know what it’s like to lose your Mom. Even though I’m older than you — your Mom is always your Mom and I find I miss my Mom more and more each day. I’m sure you share the same experience.
I just wanted to say “Thanks” for sharing your wife and Mom with me. I loved Ann as my very special friend — and I miss her.”

Thru Christ–
Susan

Ann wrote about waiting for the results of the PET scan. She was scanned the day before the Chrysalis weekend where she gave the talk and we didn’t get the results until the day after it ended. Waiting is one of the most agonizing aspects of cancer. This was the only PET scan Ann had. They are very expensive and we had to fight the insurance company to get it. Ann’s doctor at IU suspected the cancer was on the move. Ann did the entire Chrysalis weekend with this hanging over her head. We were the Prayer Warriors which meant we set up a Chapel and prayed for the kids practically non-stop.

Wow! This brings tears right now. How did she do it? Faith. Faith, refined by an unquenchable fire that eventually killed her. Despite the other indications, the PET scan showed her tumor was still stable and she lived another 20 months.

Ann and I actually gave this talk together. You probably noticed the note in Ann’s text indicating it was time for me to say something. I don’t speak from a prepared script, but from an outline. At several points througout this talk, I offered “color commentary.”

The weeks leading up the retreat were the worst for me emotionally. I handled Ann’s actual dying and death much better than I handled the thought of losing her. Long story short, the debilitating anxiety that crushed me for about 8 weeks lifted just in time for this retreat.

I spoke of Ann’s identification with Job. In the story, God allows the adversary to tempt Job. The adversary thinks Job’s goodness is based on the fact that God blesses him. Take away the blessings and Job will curse God to his face. Job then loses everything; everything but his faith. Ann lost everything but her faith. She was totally and utterly destroyed. Suffering is a great tempter. Suffering tempts us to deny God. Job passed the test. Ann passed the test.

Some time later I realized that Ann not only has a strong identification with Job, but with Jesus Himself. This seals the truth of Christianity for me. I cannot understand life as I’ve experienced it apart from the suffering and death of Jesus.

Thankfully, it doesn’t end there. In the words of Tony Campolo, “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s coming.” Every day is resurrection Sunday for Job. Everyday is Sunday for Ann.

The photo is from a family backpacking and camping trip to the Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina where Ann’s parents have a place. — Randy

…It was during those long, dark nights that I found peace in God’s word. Some say that we are often closest to God in the darkness. I think there is something to that. I love the Gospel of John. John understands the darkness; it is a major theme in his Gospel. He starts out by saying the light shines in the darkness. In my case, the light did shine. I spent a lot of time praying, reading scripture, and just sitting with God…and I was comforted. What an amazing and powerful thing it is to feel God’s presence. People find strength to deal with the most difficult circumstances because we know that God is close by.

Psalm 23 is among the most beautiful written. This psalm has gotten me through some of my toughest times. MRIs are horrible for me. My pain increases tremendously when I lie flat. The first couple of times they tried to put me through an MRI, the pain became so unbearable, they had to pull me out.
One day Randy and I decided we would commit Psalm 23 to memory. It didn’t take long as we were so familiar with it. I took my Shepherd with me into the next MRI:
The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still waters
He restores my soul
He leads me down paths of righteousness for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil.
For You are with me.
Your rod and your staff comfort me
You prepare a table in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup runs over
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

These words are not only beautiful. They are powerful. My Shepherd is with me in my darkest moments and in my most difficult trials. And, He comforts me during the entire hour I have to spend completely still inside a narrow tube.
He was with me during the daily doses of radiation, which left me so sick and weak I couldn’t walk across the room.
If you haven’t done so already, memorize these words and know that the Shepherd goes with you always.
People say I’m strong, but I’m not. I struggle with my faith. When I met with the surgeon after months of treatment, the hope was that I would now be operable.
He looked at me and said, “there is nothing I can do for you. Your tumor still completely encases a major artery.” But surgery is a pancreatic patient’s best hope for survival.
After all those months of treatment…treatment that practically took me to the brink of death, I felt him saying it was for nothing. Randy and I sat there stunned.
One of our pastors was with us that day in Indianapolis. The three of us went to the hospital chapel to pray. I can remember pleading with God to give me more faith because I was scared. But I kept hearing His voice saying, “Be not afraid.” Our pastor told me she heard the same voice. Those words are written throughout the Bible; perhaps more than any other words. Over and over we read, “Be not afraid; fear not.”

Prayers are answered. Our God is faithful. Here it is the beginning of November and I am still here. I don’t feel like I’m dying. That in itself is a miracle.
From the very beginning of this trial, I have claimed this promise from God found in Jeremiah 29:11…”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”
God has taught me a lot. I’ve learned to live five minutes at a time. I’ve learned to detach. I’ll never forget the church service we attended during our mission trip to Jamaica. What a celebration that was! The tiny church was packed and people were singing with real joy in their hearts. These people who literally have nothing danced around the pews and sang a song about “being on that Morning Train.”
We don’t sing about wanting to be on that morning train here. I think that’s because we’ve created our own heaven right here on earth. I know I have a little slice of heaven that I’m not eager to leave behind. But God is teaching me to detach.

Paul’s letter to Timothy we hear such peace in his words. 2 Timothy 4:6-8 reads: “For I am already being poured out like a drink offering and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me a crown of righteousness which the Lord, the righteous judge will award me on that day…and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.”
Paul understood his purpose in life. Death to Paul was a rest, a port after stormy seas. He was to exchange the confines of a Roman prison for the glorious courts of heaven. The joy and peace that Paul expresses is open to all of us who fight the fight and finish the race and keep the faith.
I can tell you that I don’t feel like I’ve finished the race. I don’t know if I completely understand my purpose in life. So I am asking God to allow me to keep running. I am asking Him for healing so I can continue my ministry on earth.
Scripture reveals people who have waited and waited on faith that the promises of God are real. At this moment I am once again waiting. On Wednesday I went in for a PET scan. That’s where they inject you with radioactive sugar and allow that to circulate throughout your body…and then they do a full scan. Any cancer anywhere in your body is supposed to light up like a Christmas tree. I am still waiting for the results and once again I am left wondering if cancer lurks somewhere else in my body. I have never liked waiting, but I too am holding onto the truth that our God is faithful. God keeps His promises. I believe that…and that is faith.

I find so much comfort in the psalmist who says, “I know exactly how you feel right now because I’ve been there. But listen to me, our God is faithful. You will not go under in the quicksand. Wait…just wait…He is faithful. Hold on, because He will not forsake you. He is coming.
Again these words:
I was sure by now God,
You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen” and it’s still raining.

Sometimes God calms the storms in our lives. But sometimes He rides them with us.
I am still a castaway. I have made a life on this island. Still, I await a rescue.
The good news is, there is a ship on the horizon.
It is the comfort of Christ.

Amen.

Play “Praise Him in the Storm”…Casting Crowns

The following is the first part of the “Faith Talk” Ann shared with the kids in November of 2007. The picture is from our trip to Alaska in 2005 — Randy

I have a story to share with you. It takes place in the ’60′s. It’s a pretty well known story so stop me if you’ve heard it. (Gilligan’s Island description.) Oh…you’ve heard this? OK, well allow me to continue.

In May of this year, I was told, “You have pancreatic cancer. It is inoperable and therefore incurable.” What do you do with this information? I was stunned. There is no cancer anywhere in my family and I have always been healthy. I was familiar with this cancer as it had recently claimed the life of our good friend, John Berry. I knew that it was swift and that it was lethal. I did what most people would do…and began some research on the internet. I was looking for hope, but didn’t find it. What I did find out was that it is the most deadly form of cancer with a survival rate o 3 percent and that most people live just 3-6 months after diagnosis. I thought to myself, “I’ll be dead by Christmas.”

Gosh, what do friends do with this? They ask, “What can I do for you?” I have no idea what to tell them, but I do remember saying is “Make me laugh.” A good friend sent me the first season of Gilligan’s Island on DVD. I’m not sure why…I always considered myself more of a Bewitched fan. But in this case I can’t work with a TV show where problems are gone in a twitch. Instead…let’s consider this band of castaways.

Every week the Castaways look for a rescue and every week there is some sort of peril. Headhunters…a giant gorilla…quicksand… Quicksand! The thought of slowly and helplessly sinking until nothing but your hat remained was pretty scary. All the other dangers seemed silly…but quicksand? Now that was reasonable. Surely there existed such a mixture of sand, mud and water that could swallow a person whole.

However, by the end of each episode, the danger had passed and the Castaways were safe, but still looking for a rescue. Year after year they remained marooned on a tiny island. But they never seemed to lose faith that they would be rescued. In the meantime…they made a life.
(Play Clip from Gilligan’s Island)

Cancer is like that. My life and the life of each member of my family changed radically the moment I was diagnosed. Just like being shipwrecked, we had our lives turned upside down in a storm. There is a song by the Christian group, Casting Crowns that I love. It starts out:

I was sure by now, God,
You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away.
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say, Amen…and it’s still raining.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper though the rain,
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.

(These words are from Job-Randy will talk about the Job experience here)

Priorities get turned around in a hurry when cancer enters the scene. Suddenly, we are faced with learning to survive. And there are constant ups and downs. There are celebrations…and there are times when we are in the throes of darkness.

Recently, my doctor called to tell me my tumor markers had increased considerably and she ordered a C-T scan of my chest and abdomen. I was scared. For the days leading up to the scan, I wondered if this thing I hate is now in my lungs and liver. The wait was agonizing. The phone call came the day after the test. The tumor had not grown or spread, in fact maybe it was a little smaller!
This was wonderful news. I survived the quicksand! Still, I have cancer. We are still shipwrecked. But I am praising Him in this storm because I know He is answering prayer. And in the meantime, I am making a life.
It seems that a lot of Christian messages and teachings dwell on nothing but the positive. They edit out the darkness and confusion seeking instead to go from strength to strength. From victory to victory. This makes us feel like our faith must not be real or we wouldn’t be angry with God, or we wouldn’t have doubts, or we wouldn’t feel so alone.

But the Bible doesn’t edit out the darkness. It doesn’t hide the fact that the greatest leaders suffered. God’s people were exiled. Paul as we know suffered beatings, shipwrecks, sickness, and imprisonment. In my own suffering I have found comfort in the Psalms.
The Psalms aren’t censored. They articulate horror and loss. People in the Psalms cried out for a rescue. They also praised God when He brought them out of the storm. Psalm 30 begins:
I will exalt you O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths.
Lord I called to you for help and You healed me.
O Lord you brought me up from the grave, you spared me from going down to the pit.
Then verse 9 says:
What gain is there in my destruction in my going down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

I find comfort in these words and I pray them myself. What good am I to God if I’m in the ground? I plead with him to allow me to continue my ministry on earth.
Nothing but the positive also ignores the cross. Suffering is not our enemy. It draws us to the heart of God. Jesus has cried our same cry. He has felt all of our pain. As Christians, we help bear each other’s pain.
Our Christian family has prayed for us and we have felt those prayers. Our burdens are lighter because of this. I am so touched when I looked around and see the purple pins too. My church family, my Chrysalis family and my Fox 7 family are wearing purple pins and that reminds me that I am not alone on this island, God is with me, and so are you.

It took eight months for doctors to diagnose what was wrong with me. In the meantime, I couldn’t sleep. For 8 months I was up in the middle of the night with pain, not knowing what was wrong. The isolation at times was unbearable. Not even my family understood what I was going through. I would become so upset each night around 10:00 because I knew the house would soon be dark and quiet and I would once again be alone with my thoughts and my fears.
But it was during those long, dark nights that I found peace in God’s word

TO BE CONTINUED…

Its real name is New Salem, which is a common name for cemeteries because Salem means Peace. Jerusalem can be translated New Salem — the city of peace. That’s interesting since Jerusalem has been destroyed twice, besieged 23 times, attacked 52 times, and captured and recaptured 44 times.

…so much for the word study and the history lesson.

It’s a beautiful spot that reminds me of the cemeteries in rural western Kentucky where my parents grew up. Ann never talked about where she wanted to be buried. It was part of her decision to never give up on the possibility that God might intervene. She never gave up or gave in. We simply never talked about dying. As I’ve said before, this was Ann’s choice. It’s not for everyone. Some people need to prepare for death and say their goodbyes.

The kids and I visited two other cemeteries before we decided on this one. We are very happy with the choice and think Ann would be too.

I took this picture on the morning of Meredith’s wedding day.

Meredith and her friends created all the floral arrangements for the wedding. As they put together their own bouquets, they prepared one for Ann and placed it on her grave.

Meredith and I were alone in the car on the way to the cemetery. It was a very special ride, the last one in which I was “the man” in her life. I will never forget it. I told Meredith I wanted to say a few words over the grave, but I didn’t think I could do it without getting emotional. Meredith took over (this won’t surprise anyone who knows her). Without preparation or practice, Meredith movingly shared how much Ann shaped her life and her wedding.

As Meredith prayed, a large group of unseen birds broke into song. I didn’t notice it at the time, but my friend, Jane, whose spiritual antenna is much more finely tuned than mine, pointed it out as we left.

I actually like cemeteries. Not everyone does. Only Ann’s remains are there of course, but for me, cemeteries can be a portal (don’t take this too literally) to the eternal.

With a wedding and Christmas in the same week, we’ve been very busy. I have so much to share, but I’ll break it into pieces and post in seperate entries later. I just want to share one picture from Meredith and Matt’s wedding. Meredith is really happy, which makes me really happy. Meredith wore Ann’s dress and it was beautiful. Ann was in on enough of the wedding planning to know that this was going to happen. Ann was remembered in other meaningful ways. For instance, Rev. Lynn Renne read from Ann’s bible during the ceremony.

Grief plays interesting tricks on the mind. Even though Ann died almost six months ago, it feels like no time has passed. The wedding came so quickly it made me think Ann could have been there. Of course, at the time we knew this was impossible barring a miracle.

Again, I’ll write more on this later. But in a way we probably can’t fully understand, Ann did witness Meredith’s wedding.